Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Crying.....and a ball

Next month, my husband and I are going to my first and last military ball.  I get to dress up in a beautiful dress, with beautiful jewelry, pretty shoes, have my hair done, nails done, with pretty hair doodads and all.  Well, we decided on a dress that would match his pants (well kind of, I thought we were going for the darker dress, which would have matched perfect, but I have a lighter dress, but it is just a beautiful).  As I was considering accessories, a must for these types of things for women, I was considering purses, shoes, jewelry and nails.  I found the perfect shoes, a great little silver clutch, wonderful hair doodads and nail polish with a nail polish pen to actually draw on my nails (wonders will never cease) and in silver even.  I was just having troubles with deciding on my jewelry.  I knew the bracelet that I wanted to wear, it was the one my sister picked out for all of her sisters, we were her bridal party and since I was not there for the actual wedding, I got it the day I showed up for her viewing after she passed away from her battle with cancer.  When my husband decided to join the church, he knew there were things he had to do and was getting ready to deploy, so we had to wait for fifteen months for him to come home and get himself squared away for his baptism.  He decided to buy me a wedding ring set after he got home because all I had was my engagement ring.  So as we were picking it out, he decided to get a set, but his kept loosing the diamonds, so we bought him a different one that would match as best as possible to the one that I had.  While there, he bought my mother a beautiful sapphire and diamond ring and earring set in white gold, and I had previously picked out a large (I would say foot and a half) teddy bear in an army green uniform and gave him general stars with dog tags with my dad's name on them saying he is the general of the Frakes Family.  He is the oldest of his siblings and the patriarch of our family.  We presented these to my parents at my husband's baptism when they brought Dean to us in 2008 that August.  It hit me one night that the jewelry would be perfect and would make my night that much more special.  So, I called my sister and talked to her about looking for them, and then tried to get a hold of my dad.  I knew it might be a long shot, I have to have the ring re-sized and I didn't know if he would let me have them for that because of that main reason.  Instead, he said that since we bought them, I should have them back.  Amy mailed them to me last Friday from Missouri and I received them in the mail today.  I knew that opening the box would be hard  to see the ring and earrings, I knew I would cry.  It was so emotional doing so.  I know that my night dressing up beautiful for my husband will have that extra special something because she will be with me now.  I asked my husband something a while back, I want to make her ring my wedding ring, I really hope he does allow it, I want to have her with me at all times, or if he doesn't let me do that, to wear it on my finger where I wear my engagement ring.  I miss my mom, there are many times I want to call her and give her news or ask for advice, or share something exciting.  Especially lately with Dean and how wonderful he is doing, or to talk about the ball, and how fun it is to be getting all dressed up again.  You never know how much you miss someone or appreciate them until they are gone.  Hold on to your dear loved ones tight, you'll miss them dearly when they are no longer there.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

So Many Emotions Right Now....

I have been wanting to sit down for sometime and store some thoughts about my feelings recently but there just has been an overload of emotions that I felt I could not handle it all.  I have even more now.  When I was pregnant with my son, my beautiful mother was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia.  This is very different from Acute as that the person suffering from it will live a longer life, only need treatments as needed and mostly likely die of other natural causes.  So for thirteen years she battled this cancer, while I battled my own, which was a much easier battle, her granddaughter battled hers, and her daughter lost her life to her own in 2009.  Mine was the easier of the bunch.  I had mine removed and even though it was stage four, there were no treatments and it did not spread, I count myself very lucky and blessed by this fact, it could have been so much worse.  My niece lost one of her kidneys and had to do chemotherapy, she is a healthy, happy 11 year old that you would never know from looking at her that she battled cancer at six months.  My sister was diagnosed shortly after marrying her sweet husband.  She fought a long hard battle for eight months and passed away on May 7th, 2009, four days before her birthday, and a full ten days before her first anniversary.  My mom lost her sister to cancer and my dad lost his brother and his beloved wife.  Needless to say, we really do not like cancer, in fact we hate the disease in our family.  It has caused treasures to suffer, taken treasures and taken them much too early.  So yes, my mom died, Sept. 9th, 2011, twenty days before her birthday, and at almost 48 years of marriage, what a feat for my parents.  Most assuredly soul mates, I promise you, I have never doubted my parents love for each other.  My son discovered something on the way home from scouts last night.  We were discussing the meaning of first and middle names with two of the scouts we give rides to.  After dropping them off I told him to look up my parents names.  Charles and Carolyn.  Both are Germanic, Charles means manly farmer, while Carolyn means Joy feminine but is a variant of Charles meaning manly.  Grandpa told him that means they were looking for tough names because Grandma was a strong woman, which she really was, but I told my dad, it really just goes to show how much they were meant to be together, they had the same names, just the male/female version of them.  While she was battled the Leukemia, she also battled breast cancer, and survived.  You see, my mother was a nurse and remained in nursing until the day she passed from this earth into the hands of our Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ.  What does this have to do with everything and her cancer, it helped her survive if you ask me.  Taking care of others kept my mother going.  She was extraordinary nurse, and as some people put it, an example of what nurses should be.  She had nine children, two of them twins (which was unexpected).  At the time she was expecting myself and my twin sister, she had six children at home and was going to college, working and taking care of all her children.  She wound up having to quit her dream for a time period because twins were just a bit harder than she thought, but that did not stop her.  When we were in fourth and fifth grade, after taking classes through night school to get her prerequisites, she went to school full time two hours away to graduate with her RN.  With this RN she became a Nurse Manager, later a Director of Nursing, then went back to Nurse Manager because of her cancer due to the treatments and stress, the first time I have ever seen my mother say something was too much for her.  What an amazing woman, and not just because she was my mom.  She helped me be a better mother, I learned from her what to do when I became a single mother after my divorce, it saved me a lot of heartache in watching my son be torn between two mean and hateful parents, because I reserved judgement and never spoke and still do not speak about his dad unkindly.  My parents babysat for me (all while she was working full time, taking care of a husband who had serious health issues off and on), he loves his grandpa and grandma and is extremely close to them.  He misses grandma so much.
 My beautiful mom and my dad
Recently in my old ward, we just moved to another part of post and changed wards, a little three year old girl was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor.  She just passed away yesterday.  While I am still grieving myself, it has been hard to separate the two.  I had the opportunity to help her parents out while they were getting ready to leave church my last Sunday in the ward.  They needed someone to sit with her as they were loading up the rest of their family.  So I offered to help out since I was hunting mom down anyway to giver her something.  I cannot describe how frustrating it was to not know how to help this sweet little angel.  The tumor had affected her speech and only mom and dad could really understand her wants and needs.  I was showing her pictures on my iPad.  Come to find out when dad got there, she wanted to shop for earrings and nail polish.  Even in her most frustrating moments, she was still happy and wanted to be normal.  Although I could not comply, my iPad does not have data usage, I thought how wonder it was that she still was a little girl.  While I only got a glimpse of their day, if it can even be called that, it was an eye opener for me for sure.  I had a sick child when my son was born, but nothing to that extent.  I was always grateful that my son survived the things he went through as a baby, surgery, viral meningitis, high fevers, flu, scarlet fever, and another rash with high fever.  It was not easy, and certainly very scary to say the least, but having a child with cancer and seeing how helpless they are, watching them suffer through treatments, being sick, that is something no child should have to go through, and then there is the fact that some of them die.  I cannot imagine the pain of the loss of a child.  My parents had to experience, my grandmother had to experience it.  Each handled it differently, I can tell you that, but I saw the sadness in their eyes knowing they lost a child, even if it was an adult child.  Being a parent does not change that.  How do you cope with that?  I hope and pray I never find out.  This sweet little girl was vibrant, beautiful and touched many hearts.  I will share her CaringBridge and encourage anyone who reads this to please read her story.  The tumor she had is rare, and this makes the second child I know that has died from it.  How truly sad to lose so small and so innocent children to such a horrible disease.  I am also going to share another thing.  Here is the CaringBridge: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/miraclemadidouglas
and here is the other site it is called The Cure Starts Now: http://www.thecurestartsnow.org/
It was started by parents who also lost their child to the same type of tumor.  Please keep these families that have children suffer from these tumors in your thoughts and prayers.  I know this is not the most happiest of post on my blog, but I felt a need to get the words out.

30 Days of Thankfulness

First of all, YES!  My I Am A Mormon Profile is done, all you have to do is now follow the two links on my page and you can see it, soooo excited!  


Okay, now on to the reason for the title.  Some wonderful friends of mine started a 30 Days of Thankfulness so I was inspired by their example and have decided to join in the movement!  So far we are all up to day nine and I would like to document them on here so that I have them to reflect on when times get rough for me instead of having to search for them on Facebook every time I want to contemplate them.  As the month goes on I will add each day as I add it to Facebook.  It is surprisingly hard to find something each day to be thankful for, really makes you think about what you dwell on in your life and that you can improve on that and be a better person.  I always thought that I was a positive person, but I am realizing that I need to do better about being upbeat, so if I becoming annoyingly so I will not apologize for being that person, which to me would be chipper and all the other things that drive most people nuts, hehe.  So here they are:
Day 1: I am thankful my husband and his service to our country.
Day 2: I am thankful for my friends who have been posting their thankfulness.
Day 3: I am thankful for my family.
Day 4: I am thankful for old friends and new friends, especially Missy Johansson-old friend, Jhona Oberholter- new friend (she is just amazing), Lisa Sherman- who is equally amazing and really without my mother I really would not know, Valerie Gordon- new friend and Caci Harmon- new friend.  Each one of these ladies are inspiring to me and have become a valued friend to me, I should tell them more that they are.  I can talk to each one when I need to, share my problems, but they can also count on me if need be.  I value each and everyone of them, something I failed to mention on Facebook and I wish I had at the time.  They each are unique and have strong testimonies that have in turn strengthened mine.  Missy is my oldest and dearest friend and we have many fond and those why did we do that memories, lol.  I love her like a sister.
Day 5: I am thankful for my son.  He maybe a pain in the booty teenager, but he is mine and I love him more than anything in the world.  He can be thoughtful, loving, generous and kind.  It is these moments when I know I am doing my job as a mother right and I am so proud of him.
Day 6: I know this one is silly....but I am thankful for my beast of a puppy who cuddles with me when I sleep (even if he is a bed hog), does awesome tricks because he is so smart, has a sixth sense when I have a migraine coming on and doesn't leave my side, especially when they are really going to be bad ones and for the family who gave him to us that has become family to us in return (Vicky and Richard Powell), thank you for my favorite puppy (who by the way loves tootsie roll pops and popcorn)!
Day 7: I am thankful for my mom and dad raising me in the gospel and for the knowledge it has given me.  It brings me much comfort, lots of friends, which I know I have already said, but it is so true, that have the same faith as I do.  I am grateful for a husband who found that faith also, also through my mom, what a wonderful woman she is!
Day 8: I am thankful for my brothers, two who serve as police officers, one in the navy and the other who, as my nephew John Anthony put it when he got his new job (which is dangerous), gets to blow things up all day where he works at the mines.  They are good husbands, fathers and brothers and I love each and everyone of them.  They each work hard for their families, two for their communities, one for his country.  Our parents really did a great job with raising good men, because that is what parents do with little boys, they raise men.
Day 9: Sorry this one is a little long, but I am thankful that my son is right where he belongs, with myself and my husband.  That I am trustworthy enough that I can do what I am doing right now for other children, even if it is for a short while.  Mostly, I am thankful I had a great example of what a mother is supposed to be, that I had a great sounding board when I had questions, needed advice when things started to get hard with Dean and that my mom was there for me when I was a single mother.  It was hard, but I never had the troubles that could have been there because of the help that my parents gave me with Dean.  Because of them, and the advice my mom gave me, I am a good mom and I know I am, I might make mistakes, but I know that I try hard and I love my son, that I would do anything for him, and he knows this.
Day 10: I am thankful that as of today, my life will be less interesting for less time than I thought. I can go back to my normal boring life (well not really boring because is life really boring with a teenager at home), and our normal schedule. There will be collective sighs of relief in the King home today. *sigh*
Day 11: Thankfullness: This one is easy! Today, I am thankful for all of our servicemen and women, each and everyone of them! For the willingness that have put on their uniform and fight for our country and our freedom. That I can salute the flag, sing the national anthem, to worship as I choose, carry a gun and be free. Thank you to all of you! A special thanks to Gerald King, John C. Frakes, John Frakes, Doug Lewis, Deryl King, Carl King, Earl King, Richard Powell, Michael Johnson. Thank you everything you have done, and to your wives for standing by you (yes even me) for supporting you, loving you, for long deployments, brief separations, long lonely nights, they serve, too, thank you!
Day 12: Today I am thankful for the gospel. I am thankful for eternal families and temple work.
Day 13: I am thankful for modern medicine that helped me find a doctor that is helping me with my migraines, for the medicine he prescribed me that I can take to get rid of them when I do get them and for the preventatives that I take that stops them in their tracks before they even start.  My life is getting more like normal because of these medicines.  There was a time when Gerry was deployed in 2009-2010 when I was getting them and they were hard to shake.  I would suffer for months at a time, barely functioning most days, just doing enough to get by.  Having dinner ready, the house just clean enough, enough clothes for my son and I clean to suffice.  I felt half zombie.  I struggled to get someone to listen to how severe they really were.  I had a doctor who listened, but they moved him from the hospital and then made me wait for several months to get a new one.  I went through that same thing a few more times before I finally got a referral from a great doctor and saw my neurologist.  He is wonderful and listens to me.
Day 14: I am thankful for my sisters.  They are each amazing.  Especially for Tracy and Amy for their sacrifices in helping my parents, and for Kimi for making frequent visits to their home.  I missed out on so much because we live so far away and cannot visit as much.  I am also thankful for Dawn.  She had an amazing spirit about her and I am grateful she found an amazing husband in Ryan.  Couldn't ask for a better family.
Day 15: I am thankful for a husband who helps me at home, even after putting in a hard days work.  He knows when I have had a rough day, or have a migraine, or might be having other problems that prevent me from keeping up or getting everything done after working hard all day and helps me get it done.  I couldn't ask for a better man and husband, he is a good day and a good example and a hard worker.  How blessed I am to have him in my life.
I have reached my halfway point.  It gets hard to think of something to be thankful for each day.  It really makes you ponder what you dwell on in your life, the positive or the negative.  I have always considered myself a glass half full person, even get after my husband about being a glass half empty person.  I need to make some changes, but I think this will help, maybe I need to make this a habit each day to keep me more positive.
Day 16: I am thankful for my mother-in-law (or as I call her, my mommy-in-law, lol).  She accepted me with open arms, loves my son and I unconditionally.  I am grateful she raised a wonderful son who knows how to be a man and a provider.  I can call her for advice, know she will pray when they are needed and helped me give a surprise of a lifetime when Gerry came home last year.  It was wonderful having her here.  I love her so much, and couldn't ask for a better mother-in-law, thank you so much Virginia Rotering for being so amazing and wonderful, I love you!
Day 17: Today, I am thankful for books...my favorite thing is to read and to get away from reality for a few hours (because I loose myself and all track of time).  Books can inspire, teach, tell a person's story, and share imagination.  I love my books and I am thankful for the author's that write them and transport me to another world.  Some of my favorite authors are: Tolkin, Rowling, Alcott (I have read Little Women over 600 time, my absolute favorite book), and Anne Frank.  Some of my favorite books are: Little Women, The Diary of Anne Frank, The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, The Bible and Book of Mormon, Harry Potter Series, and Inheritance Series.
Day 18: I am thankful for the Scouting program that helps teach my son values and morals, the same values and morals we are teaching him at home.  The scouting program and through the our church's young men's program, which works hand in hand in parenting and the Boy Scouts program really does well in helping raise well rounded men.  I am so grateful for this program.
Day 19: I am thankful for the military and the sacrifices that they make for me.  My husband is my hero.  I am especially thankful for all they provide for my family and myself.  We have insurance, and housing, heat/air conditioning, water, a grocery store to shop at on post and so much more.  We are well taken care of.
Day 20: I am thankful for the police, the highway patrol, the marshals, sheriff department and other peace keeping professionals that do their jobs for us.  This weekend, especially, they are helping in keeping like on post a little more peaceful by doing what they do best and I am so grateful for them.  They do their jobs, much like the military, volunteering to put their lives out there when others will not.  They receive very little recognition for this and are criticized for it daily by those that do not understand that one stop or one call could be the one that changes lives for them and their family.  This includes the fire department personal. Now the reason behind this specific post.  Each year there is a protest outside of one of the gates here at the base we are currently stationed at.  It is frustrating to the citizens of both the base and the community.  They (the protesters) believe they are doing a great thing and are not protesting the military personal that are stationed here, but they really are.  Without going into great detail, what they are protesting happened a long time ago, things were changed, standards were changed to do the best that could be done to prevent the same thing from happening again.  What they do not realize they are doing is hurting those that live here.  Fences get put up at the businesses on the street they occupy for the time they are here, around the homes they protest in front of.  They are protesting the military personal that are stationed here, because it is their job, they have to follow orders, not doing so could mean serious consequences if they do not, and most of these men and women love their jobs anyway and love to follow orders because they love their job, otherwise, they would not freely enlist in the USArmy.  It is disrespectful.  It took us on one specific day twenty minutes to pick up our son for what should have been a short five to ten minute drive depending on traffic because of all the rerouting that the police, sheriff and marshals had to do.  I refer to it as the monkey show, as most of them no longer realize or know what they are even here for.
Day 21:  Today I am thankful for not having to get up at five-thirty in the morning for the week.  Dean has the entire week of for Thanksgiving  Getting him up that early in the morning is plain crazy.  Neither of us are morning people, but I get up without fail, with no complaints (not so much in this department on his part, lol) to get him up and get him moving in the morning to catch his bus for school, so getting to sleep in has been wonderful.
Day 22: I am thankful that my ancestors came to this country providing me with the freedoms that I have to worship as I do, and all the many of freedoms that they fought for as they served in the military from the Revolutionary War and on up to the members that I have that now serve.
Day 23: I am thankful that Dean met his older sister Tashena and her family, two brothers and a little sister, and her parents.  They welcomed us both with open arms.  He has an amazing new family on top of this one.  what more could a mother ask for??
Day 24: I am thankful that I am blessed to have the food I am getting to eat today on my table, that my Heavenly Father takes care of my family and loves us all.
Day 25: I am thankful I am not out shopping in the stores, that I am home enjoying the day with my husband and son and not out in the madness.
Day 26: I am thankful my parents taught my siblings and I the true meaning of this time of year; to always be grateful for what we have and that Christmas is about Christ, which means it's not about how much or what you receive, but what you give and the love you give it with.
Day 27: I am thankful for heating pads, it has made my back feel a little better.  I hurt it a week ago and was unable to move, bend or do anything, with the help of some meds and the heating pad, I am back to normal in less than a week.
Day 28: I am thankful for Dean and how well he has been doing the last five days, he seems like a shiny new penny.  He and Gerry were wrestling in therapy today, he has been all smiles and wonders will never cease, he is sitting on the floor and doing his homework (even with a slight distraction from Legend).  He actually did most of it.
Day 29: Today I am thankful for heat.  It is down right cold outside (and for me to say that means it is down right cold here in Georgia, not chilly, which is my usual phrase).  I really do think that we might get snow today.
Day 30: I am thankful that my sister Amy found the jewelry for the ball to go with my dress, the sentimental value is irreplaceable.  It was my mother's that Gerry picked out for her, in her birth stone, and gave to her as a present in a way of thanking her for helping bring him to the truthfulness of the gospel.  He presented it to her when her and my dad came down for his baptism.  For my dad to return it to me means more than words and I am so full of emotions right now. (I posted this a day early, I knew that this would be my post tomorrow and needed to do it while I was able to, I have been full of emotions off and on most of the night).